Part 1:
I have friends and acquaintances who are Democrats, Republicans, independents, and Libertarians. They are African American, Native American, White, and Asian. They are Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Wiccan, spiritual, and agnostic. They are cis gender and trans. They are wealthy, middle class, and poor. They are you.
You go fishing and hunting. You enjoy watching eagles. You garden, make music, and art. You roll call before Packers and Vikings games. You work hard. You are doing the best you can. You think everyone deserves to be treated equally and want to leave the world a better place than you found it. You are happy. You are content.
There are those who are filled with hatred. They are racist, homophobic, anti-Semitic. They believe that people who are not like them are bad. And, perhaps worse, there are those who pander to the hate-filled to obtain power and control. Thinking the end justifies the means and being focused more on themselves than others, they are willing to do whatever it takes to gain or retain power. They built their base, their colonies, their cult, their regime on the backs of others. They destroy rather than build. They come into power and leave the planet worse off for their being here. We cannot accept this.
I think we all agree on this, and I appreciate you for being a friend, for supporting one another, for doing your thing, and for making a safe space for me. I appreciate the stickers and flags. If gives me hope.
However, your being tolerant of who I am or giving me a safe space does not make you an ally. A safe space sticker on your door, or a Black Lives Matter sign in your yard doesn’t do it either. Everywhere must be safe. Black lives do matter. Women’s bodies matter. Trans lives matter. These are things we shouldn’t be debating. We shouldn’t need signs. Everyone should understand this. But they don’t.
This is where you come in. I need you to do more. I need you to step up. We all need you to step up. We need you to be an ally.
Whether you have a pride flag in your yard or not, if you are not actively fighting for marginalized groups, if you don’t actively campaign against policies that hurt our communities, if you tolerate racism, misogyny, transphobia, antisemitism, homophobia, or bigotry in any form, you are not an ally. If your personal, political, or religious beliefs give you a framework for denying rights to others, you are not an ally. If you are comfortable and think everything is okay the way it is, you are not an ally. If your method of helping is thoughts and prayers, you are not an ally.
To be an ally means you stand up for marginalized communities. You are willing to put yourself at risk. You speak up in meetings, even if your thoughts may be unpopular. You don’t just put a sticker on your door, but rather stand up and denounce hatred and bias. If you hear a friend say something racist, misogynistic, or otherwise unacceptable, you call them on it rather than letting pass with a simple boys will be boys or other internal justification.
I have witnessed people who have treated me well yet post hateful comments and memes online. I have been in conversations where people have joked about racial groups and the LGBTQ+ community. If you hear people bashing any underserved community, stand up. Let them know this is not acceptable. It takes courage. It may even put you at risk of losing a friend or being shunned by a group. If you are afraid of losing a friend for standing up, you have a bad friend. You need to stand up for marginalized communities in every forum, even a late evening conversation in the local bar or an after-church coffee hour. If you don’t stand up, you are not an ally.
I have always considered myself to be an independent voter. I don’t vote for people because of party affiliation. That said, if one party is actively promoting racism, homophobia, trying to control women’s bodies to maintain power and appease their base, they cannot be supported. This is where the republican party currently stands. These tactics have helped them maintain their power and control. The only way things will change is if the tactics don’t work. If they lose because of the views they are representing, things will change. You must speak out, even if it creates discomfort or jeopardizes your political or social position. Do not put people into power who want to continue pursuing power through division or control. If you vote for, or support anyone who is fighting for their power by putting others down or taking rights away from others, you are not an ally.
Part 2:
A question I commonly get asked is why I would give up my personal capitol as a white, cis, educated, husband, father, landowner, …, to transition. My answer is simple – because I had to. I gave up my personal security to live as part of a group that had over 500 pieces of legislation waged against us last year alone. 500 pieces of legislation driven by people who don’t want me to exist. A group that is more likely to be murdered. To be discriminated against in housing, healthcare, and hiring.
This change has driven me to think deeply about underserved communities. Black, indigenous, immigrants, LGBTQ+, and others. Simply being a woman results in lower pay, less access to leadership roles, and targets you for control of your autonomy. I encourage everyone to learn about underserved communities. Read stories about other cultures and histories. Listen. If you don’t pay attention to, learn about, and support underserved all communities, you are not an ally.
If you are uncomfortable being around people who don’t look and act like you do or if you are a member of a group or community that lacks true diversity, it is time to broaden your surroundings. Actively seek out and create opportunities for diverse communities. This can be tough. I reside in a very white, Christian community. I have had to reach out online, expand my friend groups at work, drive to participate in events and forums many miles away. However, you need to make an effort. You also need to support affirmative actions that help make communities more diverse. The only way we can really change things is through inclusivity. Separate but equal doesn’t work. If you support the status quo, you are not an ally.
You don’t always need to be the leader. Let those who are impacted have the loudest voice. This one is particularly tough for me. I have sought to manage my autism and anxiety through schedules and routine. This has often led me to assuming or taking control. I was anxious to the point of panic to be a passenger in a car. I had to drive. This led to me being a loud voice, often volunteering to chair committees serve in leadership roles. It made me feel more comfortable. I found it hard to understand and trust others. It took time, deliberate effort, and the help of others, including my therapist, to learn to let go and trust. Then I had to go one more step, to actively seek others that bring a different perspective into leadership roles. It is important to share opportunities. It is critical that we let those who are impacted the most have the loudest voice. If you are not allowing others, particularly those who are most impacted, to have a voice, you are not an ally.
Most importantly, be introspective. Understand your own prejudice and bias. You do have bias, we all do. My own prejudice and bias got in the way of my transition for decades. I spent years being who I thought I was supposed to be, not who I was. Your biases are a product of your community, your upbringing, the books and media you have consumed, attempts made to market products to you, your friend groups, family members, your education, social groups, religious practices, the list is nearly endless. Realizing you have bias is hard. Understanding how it affects you and changing it is harder. It takes effort. It is nearly impossible to understand your own biases without the help of an outside examination. This may be attending seminars on bias, reading books and completing self-assessments, or other strategies. There is no shortage of resources, but you need to find them. You need to take action. If you are not taking action to confront your personal bias, you are not an ally.
And this is just a start. Being an ally takes work. It takes effort. It cannot happen on its own. Having a black, trans, gay, or member of another marginalized community as a friend, does not make you an ally. Displaying a flag or sign does not make you an ally. Learning about yourself, learning about others, developing understanding and compassion, and taking action makes you an ally. That is what I need you to do. That is what we need you to do.